Monthly Archives: June 2012

5 Ways Girls Can be Safe While Jogging this Summer

1) Be UGLY.

I really don’t understand why girls think they need to look cute/sexy when working out or ESPECIALLY if they go out running. Do they like seeing nasty guys size them up as they jog by? Do they realize that they aren’t noticing how cute your nike shorts are or how nice your ponytail looks? No, they are thinking the most disgusting stuff possible. So do what I do. Be butt ugly. Seriously. I wear the baggiest shirt possible, knee-length jogging pants, 5 year old shoes, and I really just don’t give a damn. It’s quite nice actually. I really don’t worry about how “cute” I look, because I don’t want any guy to notice me when I go out running. Call it paranoia or watching too many Law and Order SVU episodes, but I really do my best to not call attention. Ladies, you are under constant pressure to look your nicest, either at work or school, etc., so why not just cast all your fears aside and know that for a couple hours its ok for the world to not see you at your best? Take out your contacts when you get home from work and put your glasses on. Put your hair in a ugly bun so it resembles a large circled turd on top of your head. Wear a baggy comfortable shirt and splurge for a good sportsbra so that the ladies doesn’t bounce all over the place (it hurts less too…WIN WIN).

2) Give the LOD.

The LOD is the look of death. I give it quite often to people who piss me off while driving, and occasionally to my co-workers and husband. Most of the time it is a fake LOD, but ladies, when you are out running, it’s time to get your bitch on. Have a Sasha Fierce look on your face that tells everyone that you are not to be messed with. You know how sometimes you worry that you look mad even when you are not? Not now. Look as mad as you want. Squint your eyes, furrow your eyebrows and if looks could kill, everyone would fall dead when you run past them. If  women or children are coming into view, quickly break free from the LOD, give a smile and cheery “Hello!” then as soon as they are out of sight release the LOD back onto the world.

3) Feel like a BADASS.

woman-joggingThere are plenty of times during the day when we doubt ourselves. Am I cute enough? Why did I say that? Does my boss think I’m dumb? Did he just hear me fart? Jogging is not that time. I don’t care how much you can’t stand yourself, it’s time to be that confident girl you always wanted to be. It might be a fake confidence, but it’s still confidence. Basically, I don’t want you to look weak or “easy” when you go out running. Along with giving men the LOD, I want you to feel confident about yourself. If you need help releasing the badass that I know is in you, I have some advice. First, listen to a song that totally pumps you up and makes you want to run faster. I recommend listening to “MF” by Awolnation. Yes, the MF stands for exactly what you think it stands for. The beginning of the song is the singer just singing “What what what what?” To look very crazy and scary, I recommend you lip sing this as you run by people. You ask them what. At the end of the song, there is an audience that claps, as if praising you for being such a badass. This is no time for Mrs. nice girl. You are no longer a student struggling to pass your classes. You aren’t trying to please your boss. You are no longer a mom trying to carry all the groceries into the house and get dinner started. You are a MF that sends this message: “I will kill you bitch.”

4) Be AWARE.

If you have ever watched the news or Taken or Law and Order: SVU, then you know that the world we live is not a trustworthy place. There are some great people out there, sure. Maybe you could meet your true love while out jogging one day. Maybe you should listen to your momma when she tells you to always look your best cause you never know who you might meet or run into. Maybe. And if you think that is true for your future, then look as cute as you want, but you still need to be safe. Don’t look any man in the eye. Run in places where you know a lot of people will be. If there is a fork in the road where one street is a shortcut but has less people and the other one is longer but has more people, then take the latter. It’s more of a workout and you will be more safe with people present. If you have a trail near your house that you MUST run on, get a workout buddy. Run in the daylight. BE SMART.

5) Carry a WEAPON.

Whether it is mase, a tazer gun or a sharp key, as long as it does some damage, take it with you. You may think that I am being way too paranoid, but I look at it as being more safe than sorry. Shit happens people. It does no harm to be as prepared as possible. If you want to be really safe, text or call someone, like a family member or friend and let them know you are going out for a walk or jog. Even if their response text is “….” who cares. At least when the police ask them if they know where you went, they could tell them and help with the case (*knocks on wood*). To be REALLY REALLY safe, you can carry a gun with you. Ladies, our boobs aren’t there to just look awesome and give food to our babies, they also serve as excellent storage. As long as it doesn’t harm you when you jog, hide it there. (You can also fit your iPhone perfectly). Can you imagine the look on the perp’s face when you reach into your bra and pull out mase or a gun? PRICELESS.

I hope you will keep these tips in mind should you decide to go out running this summer. I would prefer if if you did Taebo at home or went to the gym, but even I sometimes want to go out and be in nature. Also, use it as an excuse to be really FREE. Be confident. Don’t look your best. Be one scary badass MF. Show that pimple on your forehead with pride.

Happy Jogging!

 

Snow White and the Huntsman Review – 4 Lies from the Trailer

*Spoilers*(but it doesn’t matter cause this movie sucks)

Because I love you, I will save you the time and $25 it will cost you at the movies and tell you why you should not see Snow White and the Huntsman. If you were like me, you’re probably thinking, “No! What? It looked so amazing! Charlize is so pretty and the special effects were awesome, and hello! Chris Hemsworth! It’s going to be one of the best movies of the summer!” Yes, I once thought as you did. And then I saw it. And all my hope in movies vanished. Out of all the horrendous trailers out there, this one had some potential. It was dark, beautiful, and looked like it would be one of the best adaptations of the Snow White story that was ever to be seen. The special effects were mesmerizing and even Kristin looked like she would be forgivable as Snow White. Whoever made this trailer should get an award, because it’s seriously one of the most deceptive trailers of all time. In fact, the whole movie is one gigantic trailer. There is no heart in the story. No depth. No chemistry. NOTHING. If you were like me when you first saw the trailer, you probably assumed certain things to be true from the story. Allow me to shatter all your hopes and expectations of this movie with these 4 lies.

Lie #1 Snow White’s inner beauty surpasses the queen’s physical beauty.

snow_white_and_the_huntsman_movie_posterIn the beginning of the movie, Snow White’s mother notices her young daughter’s pure heart and tells her that it is very important to show the world the beauty of her character. The little girl who plays Snow White is cute, and one of the first scenes she is in we see her running around with an injured little bird and showing it to her ailing mother. That is our first clue that SW has inner beauty. Now fast forward to the Kristen Stewart Snow White who is locked away in the dungeon (which makes no sense because the queen is evil and was sucking up all the youth from the younger girls but for some reason allows her to live). So Snow White is looking all dirty and sad and sparks a pitiful little fire to stay warm. And then she says the Lord’s prayer (“Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name”). The audience is then supposed to react to this and think, Oh look, she’s praying the Lord’s prayer in the midst of her suffering, she is so GOOD. She also seems to care for the girl prisoner next to her and tries to save her at one point, but by then she is an old woman who was sucked dry by the queen and tells SW to run away and save herself. Another scene where we are witnesses to the supposed inner beauty seeping forth from Kristen is when she is playing dolls with a young village girl. From this simple act we are meant to think how BEAUTIFUL it is to see her play dolls with the girl. What a woman! Kristen actually looked very uncomfortable in this scene, like she was really acting. You can almost see it in her pained expression, saying something like, “Hey kid what’s up, so I’m supposed to be playing dolls with you and showing the world my inner beauty right now (places hair strand behind ear) so keep looking like you are having fun filming this scene with me.” She also has little creature friends who can see such obvious inner beauty before them. We really have no DAMN idea why these animals flock to her. Everyone seems to just “feel” the good from her when she walks by. NO movie, NO. I do not believe you. She is beautiful because she says one prayer, tries to help someone, awkwardly plays dolls with a girl, and walks with the animals? There is absolutely nothing about this character that makes you go, “Wow, this girl is so pure and lovely and I wish I could be just like her!” You were just like, “Oh ok, she’s praying now. Now she’s talking to a little girl. Oh, she’s dancing with a dwarf. Oh, now she’s petting Bambi’s dad. Yup, now I see it, plain as the nose on my face. Inner beauty just exudes from this girl and if we were all a little bit more like her, the world would be a better place. Her character is like, way more gorgeous than Charlize.” Nope, Charlize in all her evil bitchiness takes the cake on this one.

 

Lie #2 The most original and creative Snow White story yet

Why is it that filmmakers these days are more concerned with how the movie looks rather than the heart of the story? Yes, we love special effects, but don’t be mistaken that this will be enough to appease your audience. Maybe it will to the tween audience who thinks Twilight was the best movie of all time, but not those of us who are in our mid-20′s and grew up watching epic movies like Braveheart and First Knight. Those of us who were wowed by Lord of the Rings and Dark Knight, thanking the movie gods above that someone was finally getting it right (Thank you Peter Jackson and Christopher Nolan). You can have the most advanced and amazing special effects in your movie, but if you have no heart, depth or original story that captivates your audience, you have nothing. There was nothing great about this story. Evil queen hates Snow White, keeps her locked up, SW escapes and goes into the forest, Hot Huntsman hunts her in forest, finds her, they run from the soldiers, they find little men who try to be funny but are really not, walk into an enchanting forest to see Bambi’s dad, queen tricks SW to eat apple, SW dies, Huntsman kisses her, she wakes up, demands everyone to go into battle, does a little Yoshi braid to her hair, rides into the castle and kills the queen. She is then made queen, sheds a tear and gives a little smile to Hot Huntsman, who this whole time has treated her like a younger sister more than anything else. Really Hollywood?? Really? That is seriously the best you could do with your team of screenwriters and millions of dollars? For SHAME.

Lie #3 Snow White is a badass warrior princess

Film Title: Snow White and the HuntsmanDon’t let that Yoshi braid fool you. She may be wearing armor, riding her horse very fast, and has a determined look in her eye, but this Snow White does nothing to make you want to be proud you are a woman. She is brave, I’ll give you that one. She was able to escape the dungeons and survive the dark forest and run straight to the queen to kill her without a moment hesitation. But that’s it. She’s not very skilled with a sword, doesn’t really fight with the queen, she just gets thrown around a lot and finally is able to stab her (which was very anti-climactic). She tries really hard to give her men a speech before battle saying something about how we must turn metal into steel and steel into swords and we must fight! I don’t really remember because I was falling asleep. Speeches before war are supposed to move you, excite you, perhaps even evoke a tear from you. Kristen’s did not. She is no Eowyn from Lord of the Rings. She is no Mulan. She is no Joan of Arc. She just sucks.

Lie #4 A beautiful love story between SW and the HH (Hot Huntsman)

Maybe this wasn’t so obvious from the trailer, but I’m sure people assumed that there would be some kind of epic romance between them, since both of their names are in the title after all. I don’t really know what I was expecting. From the trailer I couldn’t really see the romance between them, since they seem too apart in age and Kristen is so unworthy of Chris, but I was ready for anything, hoping to be pleasantly surprised. When you first see SW as a young girl, she plays with a little boy named William. Of course we see him later in the story, good-looking as well, and apparently still in love with her. When I saw William, I was like, Ohh… maybe he will be her love interest, because obviously nothing is going on with her and the HH. So far HH has been treating her respectfully and protecting her since she was the princess. Any gentleman would do the same. There was absolutely no sign that he was romantically interested in her, and not from her part either. There is even a scene where SW kisses William, who at the time is really the evil queen disguised as him. We are then made to believe that SW still loves William, or perhaps just wanted to make out a little since hey, a girl does get lonely sitting in a dungeon for 17 years. But then she dies from the apple that fake William gives her. Even though no talk of spells and kisses are made, William decides to kiss her for the heck of it, but shocker above all shockers….she doesn’t wake up. Now it’s HH’s turn. He walks around her bedside and talks about how she reminds him of his dead wife, which provokes him to give a friendly and respectful kiss on her lips. Right now the audience is confused, thinking, ‘but I thought she loved William because she just kissed him? Oh snap these clever screenwriters have tricked us, she really DOES love the Hot Huntsman!’ Apparently his kiss is the one that breaks the spell and she wakes up. Right before battle, (they hadn’t spoken to each other yet since she woke up) he rides up to her and she looks away all embarrassed and shy. “Hey what’s up Huntsman, don’t look at me right now because I will totally blush. That kiss you just gave me was AHH mazing and apparently enough to break the spell, so obviously that means we love each other even though we haven’t given this poor audience any clue of it!” So we are now to believe that from this whole epic and adventurous journey they have fallen in love with each other, even though there is not one inclination of this? No. Nope. Sorry movie, it just doesn’t work like that. It doesn’t work on SMART people. We know what it takes to fall in love with someone. We know what emotions you are supposed to feel. We know how a FREAKING storyline works. Here’s a concept: actually employ brilliant screenwriters to create an unforgettable plot and hire talented actors who actually have chemistry with one another.

 

If this review made you never want to see this movie, then wonderful, my job is done. If I made you even more curious to watch this movie so that you end up seeing it anyway, I will take that both as an insult and a compliment. So watch it if you must, but I warn you, some brain cells might die in the process.