1) Be UGLY.
I really don’t understand why girls think they need to look cute/sexy when working out or ESPECIALLY if they go out running. Do they like seeing nasty guys size them up as they jog by? Do they realize that they aren’t noticing how cute your nike shorts are or how nice your ponytail looks? No, they are thinking the most disgusting stuff possible. So do what I do. Be butt ugly. Seriously. I wear the baggiest shirt possible, knee-length jogging pants, 5 year old shoes, and I really just don’t give a damn. It’s quite nice actually. I really don’t worry about how “cute” I look, because I don’t want any guy to notice me when I go out running. Call it paranoia or watching too many Law and Order SVU episodes, but I really do my best to not call attention. Ladies, you are under constant pressure to look your nicest, either at work or school, etc., so why not just cast all your fears aside and know that for a couple hours its ok for the world to not see you at your best? Take out your contacts when you get home from work and put your glasses on. Put your hair in a ugly bun so it resembles a large circled turd on top of your head. Wear a baggy comfortable shirt and splurge for a good sportsbra so that the ladies doesn’t bounce all over the place (it hurts less too…WIN WIN).
2) Give the LOD.
The LOD is the look of death. I give it quite often to people who piss me off while driving, and occasionally to my co-workers and husband. Most of the time it is a fake LOD, but ladies, when you are out running, it’s time to get your bitch on. Have a Sasha Fierce look on your face that tells everyone that you are not to be messed with. You know how sometimes you worry that you look mad even when you are not? Not now. Look as mad as you want. Squint your eyes, furrow your eyebrows and if looks could kill, everyone would fall dead when you run past them. If women or children are coming into view, quickly break free from the LOD, give a smile and cheery “Hello!” then as soon as they are out of sight release the LOD back onto the world.
3) Feel like a BADASS.
There are plenty of times during the day when we doubt ourselves. Am I cute enough? Why did I say that? Does my boss think I’m dumb? Did he just hear me fart? Jogging is not that time. I don’t care how much you can’t stand yourself, it’s time to be that confident girl you always wanted to be. It might be a fake confidence, but it’s still confidence. Basically, I don’t want you to look weak or “easy” when you go out running. Along with giving men the LOD, I want you to feel confident about yourself. If you need help releasing the badass that I know is in you, I have some advice. First, listen to a song that totally pumps you up and makes you want to run faster. I recommend listening to “MF” by Awolnation. Yes, the MF stands for exactly what you think it stands for. The beginning of the song is the singer just singing “What what what what?” To look very crazy and scary, I recommend you lip sing this as you run by people. You ask them what. At the end of the song, there is an audience that claps, as if praising you for being such a badass. This is no time for Mrs. nice girl. You are no longer a student struggling to pass your classes. You aren’t trying to please your boss. You are no longer a mom trying to carry all the groceries into the house and get dinner started. You are a MF that sends this message: “I will kill you bitch.”
4) Be AWARE.
If you have ever watched the news or Taken or Law and Order: SVU, then you know that the world we live is not a trustworthy place. There are some great people out there, sure. Maybe you could meet your true love while out jogging one day. Maybe you should listen to your momma when she tells you to always look your best cause you never know who you might meet or run into. Maybe. And if you think that is true for your future, then look as cute as you want, but you still need to be safe. Don’t look any man in the eye. Run in places where you know a lot of people will be. If there is a fork in the road where one street is a shortcut but has less people and the other one is longer but has more people, then take the latter. It’s more of a workout and you will be more safe with people present. If you have a trail near your house that you MUST run on, get a workout buddy. Run in the daylight. BE SMART.
5) Carry a WEAPON.
Whether it is mase, a tazer gun or a sharp key, as long as it does some damage, take it with you. You may think that I am being way too paranoid, but I look at it as being more safe than sorry. Shit happens people. It does no harm to be as prepared as possible. If you want to be really safe, text or call someone, like a family member or friend and let them know you are going out for a walk or jog. Even if their response text is “….” who cares. At least when the police ask them if they know where you went, they could tell them and help with the case (*knocks on wood*). To be REALLY REALLY safe, you can carry a gun with you. Ladies, our boobs aren’t there to just look awesome and give food to our babies, they also serve as excellent storage. As long as it doesn’t harm you when you jog, hide it there. (You can also fit your iPhone perfectly). Can you imagine the look on the perp’s face when you reach into your bra and pull out mase or a gun? PRICELESS.
I hope you will keep these tips in mind should you decide to go out running this summer. I would prefer if if you did Taebo at home or went to the gym, but even I sometimes want to go out and be in nature. Also, use it as an excuse to be really FREE. Be confident. Don’t look your best. Be one scary badass MF. Show that pimple on your forehead with pride.