*Spoilers*(but it doesn’t matter cause this movie sucks)
Because I love you, I will save you the time and $25 it will cost you at the movies and tell you why you should not see Snow White and the Huntsman. If you were like me, you’re probably thinking, “No! What? It looked so amazing! Charlize is so pretty and the special effects were awesome, and hello! Chris Hemsworth! It’s going to be one of the best movies of the summer!” Yes, I once thought as you did. And then I saw it. And all my hope in movies vanished. Out of all the horrendous trailers out there, this one had some potential. It was dark, beautiful, and looked like it would be one of the best adaptations of the Snow White story that was ever to be seen. The special effects were mesmerizing and even Kristin looked like she would be forgivable as Snow White. Whoever made this trailer should get an award, because it’s seriously one of the most deceptive trailers of all time. In fact, the whole movie is one gigantic trailer. There is no heart in the story. No depth. No chemistry. NOTHING. If you were like me when you first saw the trailer, you probably assumed certain things to be true from the story. Allow me to shatter all your hopes and expectations of this movie with these 4 lies.
Lie #1 Snow White’s inner beauty surpasses the queen’s physical beauty.
In the beginning of the movie, Snow White’s mother notices her young daughter’s pure heart and tells her that it is very important to show the world the beauty of her character. The little girl who plays Snow White is cute, and one of the first scenes she is in we see her running around with an injured little bird and showing it to her ailing mother. That is our first clue that SW has inner beauty. Now fast forward to the Kristen Stewart Snow White who is locked away in the dungeon (which makes no sense because the queen is evil and was sucking up all the youth from the younger girls but for some reason allows her to live). So Snow White is looking all dirty and sad and sparks a pitiful little fire to stay warm. And then she says the Lord’s prayer (“Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name”). The audience is then supposed to react to this and think, Oh look, she’s praying the Lord’s prayer in the midst of her suffering, she is so GOOD. She also seems to care for the girl prisoner next to her and tries to save her at one point, but by then she is an old woman who was sucked dry by the queen and tells SW to run away and save herself. Another scene where we are witnesses to the supposed inner beauty seeping forth from Kristen is when she is playing dolls with a young village girl. From this simple act we are meant to think how BEAUTIFUL it is to see her play dolls with the girl. What a woman! Kristen actually looked very uncomfortable in this scene, like she was really acting. You can almost see it in her pained expression, saying something like, “Hey kid what’s up, so I’m supposed to be playing dolls with you and showing the world my inner beauty right now (places hair strand behind ear) so keep looking like you are having fun filming this scene with me.” She also has little creature friends who can see such obvious inner beauty before them. We really have no DAMN idea why these animals flock to her. Everyone seems to just “feel” the good from her when she walks by. NO movie, NO. I do not believe you. She is beautiful because she says one prayer, tries to help someone, awkwardly plays dolls with a girl, and walks with the animals? There is absolutely nothing about this character that makes you go, “Wow, this girl is so pure and lovely and I wish I could be just like her!” You were just like, “Oh ok, she’s praying now. Now she’s talking to a little girl. Oh, she’s dancing with a dwarf. Oh, now she’s petting Bambi’s dad. Yup, now I see it, plain as the nose on my face. Inner beauty just exudes from this girl and if we were all a little bit more like her, the world would be a better place. Her character is like, way more gorgeous than Charlize.” Nope, Charlize in all her evil bitchiness takes the cake on this one.
Lie #2 The most original and creative Snow White story yet
Why is it that filmmakers these days are more concerned with how the movie looks rather than the heart of the story? Yes, we love special effects, but don’t be mistaken that this will be enough to appease your audience. Maybe it will to the tween audience who thinks Twilight was the best movie of all time, but not those of us who are in our mid-20′s and grew up watching epic movies like Braveheart and First Knight. Those of us who were wowed by Lord of the Rings and Dark Knight, thanking the movie gods above that someone was finally getting it right (Thank you Peter Jackson and Christopher Nolan). You can have the most advanced and amazing special effects in your movie, but if you have no heart, depth or original story that captivates your audience, you have nothing. There was nothing great about this story. Evil queen hates Snow White, keeps her locked up, SW escapes and goes into the forest, Hot Huntsman hunts her in forest, finds her, they run from the soldiers, they find little men who try to be funny but are really not, walk into an enchanting forest to see Bambi’s dad, queen tricks SW to eat apple, SW dies, Huntsman kisses her, she wakes up, demands everyone to go into battle, does a little Yoshi braid to her hair, rides into the castle and kills the queen. She is then made queen, sheds a tear and gives a little smile to Hot Huntsman, who this whole time has treated her like a younger sister more than anything else. Really Hollywood?? Really? That is seriously the best you could do with your team of screenwriters and millions of dollars? For SHAME.
Lie #3 Snow White is a badass warrior princess
Don’t let that Yoshi braid fool you. She may be wearing armor, riding her horse very fast, and has a determined look in her eye, but this Snow White does nothing to make you want to be proud you are a woman. She is brave, I’ll give you that one. She was able to escape the dungeons and survive the dark forest and run straight to the queen to kill her without a moment hesitation. But that’s it. She’s not very skilled with a sword, doesn’t really fight with the queen, she just gets thrown around a lot and finally is able to stab her (which was very anti-climactic). She tries really hard to give her men a speech before battle saying something about how we must turn metal into steel and steel into swords and we must fight! I don’t really remember because I was falling asleep. Speeches before war are supposed to move you, excite you, perhaps even evoke a tear from you. Kristen’s did not. She is no Eowyn from Lord of the Rings. She is no Mulan. She is no Joan of Arc. She just sucks.
Lie #4 A beautiful love story between SW and the HH (Hot Huntsman)
Maybe this wasn’t so obvious from the trailer, but I’m sure people assumed that there would be some kind of epic romance between them, since both of their names are in the title after all. I don’t really know what I was expecting. From the trailer I couldn’t really see the romance between them, since they seem too apart in age and Kristen is so unworthy of Chris, but I was ready for anything, hoping to be pleasantly surprised. When you first see SW as a young girl, she plays with a little boy named William. Of course we see him later in the story, good-looking as well, and apparently still in love with her. When I saw William, I was like, Ohh… maybe he will be her love interest, because obviously nothing is going on with her and the HH. So far HH has been treating her respectfully and protecting her since she was the princess. Any gentleman would do the same. There was absolutely no sign that he was romantically interested in her, and not from her part either. There is even a scene where SW kisses William, who at the time is really the evil queen disguised as him. We are then made to believe that SW still loves William, or perhaps just wanted to make out a little since hey, a girl does get lonely sitting in a dungeon for 17 years. But then she dies from the apple that fake William gives her. Even though no talk of spells and kisses are made, William decides to kiss her for the heck of it, but shocker above all shockers….she doesn’t wake up. Now it’s HH’s turn. He walks around her bedside and talks about how she reminds him of his dead wife, which provokes him to give a friendly and respectful kiss on her lips. Right now the audience is confused, thinking, ‘but I thought she loved William because she just kissed him? Oh snap these clever screenwriters have tricked us, she really DOES love the Hot Huntsman!’ Apparently his kiss is the one that breaks the spell and she wakes up. Right before battle, (they hadn’t spoken to each other yet since she woke up) he rides up to her and she looks away all embarrassed and shy. “Hey what’s up Huntsman, don’t look at me right now because I will totally blush. That kiss you just gave me was AHH mazing and apparently enough to break the spell, so obviously that means we love each other even though we haven’t given this poor audience any clue of it!” So we are now to believe that from this whole epic and adventurous journey they have fallen in love with each other, even though there is not one inclination of this? No. Nope. Sorry movie, it just doesn’t work like that. It doesn’t work on SMART people. We know what it takes to fall in love with someone. We know what emotions you are supposed to feel. We know how a FREAKING storyline works. Here’s a concept: actually employ brilliant screenwriters to create an unforgettable plot and hire talented actors who actually have chemistry with one another.
If this review made you never want to see this movie, then wonderful, my job is done. If I made you even more curious to watch this movie so that you end up seeing it anyway, I will take that both as an insult and a compliment. So watch it if you must, but I warn you, some brain cells might die in the process.