Tag Archives: marriage

Change – The Inevitable Bastard

making-changesAs I grow older, I am realizing more and more how I hate, nay, despise change. I am still trying to figure out to this day why I so dearly want to keep canoodling with routine and familiarity. It’s true, most people struggle with this as well, but some people are lucky enough to welcome change. When I look back on my childhood, all I can see is me, my sister and my mom, living life in our 2 bedroom condo in Aliso. Since I was 2 to 14, every weekday consisted of my mom driving my sister and I to my aunt and uncle’s house in Lake Forest. She would then drive to work, pick us up, then take us home. When we were in school, she would take us there, my aunt would pick us up, take us to her house, then my mom would pick us up. Every day. We never moved once when I was a kid. I became used to stability, safety and familiarity (which I am definitely not complaining about- my mom was a rockstar). My first big change was going to live on campus at Biola University. This, strangely enough did not rock my boat as much as you would think it would. By the time I was ready to go to college, I was completely ready to taste freedom and independence. I think it also helped that I met an awesome girl at Golden Spoon who was going to be my roommate. Now that I think about it, my first memory of hating change came when my sister decided she was too cool to share a room with me and demanded to have a room of her own. My mom, crazy woman, actually agreed with her! So there I was, my little self trying to block the door, looking like a big X. They both were holding the twin mattress and easily shoved me out of the way. Once they pushed their way through, and I was scattered to the side, they placed my mattress right next to my mom’s bed. And I hated it.

The next REAL change came when my mom decided to sell our condo. The scary thing is that I didn’t really process it. It all happened in a blur. I remember being confused as to why this whole thing was happening. No one really sat down with me to explain it, and I guess I didn’t ask. After that, I went from living on campus, (while my mom and sister lived in Temecula), to living with my aunt on the weekends so I could go to work, to moving into a ghetto apartment in Laguna, to living in a nice apartment in Aliso, you get the picture. Although these moves were big changes, I believe that they happened at a time in my life when I was old enough to understand them. I really wasn’t hating life at this time because of all the change. I was just going with the flow.

The hardest changes that I have experienced were in my relationship with Alexander. Getting used to being a girlfriend then being used to a wife was unbelievably hard for me. It took a lot of time of learning and growth to finally accept these roles. Learning how to be a wife in particular was ridiculously difficult. It was so different than anything I have ever known, and that scared the hell out of me. Think about it. You grow up your whole life living with two other women and a whole lotta aunts (barely any men). The only stable man in my life was my uncle, but it was still different not actually living with a man. So I go from this, to living with other girl friends to being some MAN’s wife. It’s part of the reason why my first year of marriage was a lot like Supreme Scream. Actually, not part of the reason, all of it. All of it was just dealing with the change. I HATED IT. I’m not going to lie, it took a long ass time for me to get used to being a wife.

Now the next big change that I find myself (hating) to deal with is Alexander’s new career choice in becoming a flight attendant. This was especially hard when he had to be gone for a month in training. This is how it was in my head those 4 weeks… ‘hate it, hate it, hate it, hmm the house is soo nice and clean, hmm I’m gonna go hang out with my girls tonight, hmmm I’m gonna go home, get some dinner and read when I get home…wait, what…Xander’s coming back?…… My emotions were like (^%%$#%%*&(*&*^%%^$&) If you didn’t catch that, it was basically batshit crazy. Why? Because things were becoming routine and familiar. And then! Xander decides to come back and I honestly didn’t know what to make of it. I mean, part of me was happy to see him, but a part of me was terrified. How was I supposed to adapt to this kind of life? It was dawning on me that I now had to deal with him being gone all the time. So I kind of lost it. We got into a huge fight, and then….yes, yes I think we did get back together. Uh huh. Yes, we did. And then, I got used to the next routine—seeing him for three days, then he go to work for three days. Then he hurt his knee, and had to be on disability. He was home for 2 ½ months, and I loved it. I realized how much I missed the small things, like him being home and asking me how my day was, us watching our shows together, CUDDLING together. It was like I was married again. And then of course, his damn knee had to heal so now he has to go back to work. We are planning on moving in July and buying a house, and in order for us to be able to accomplish this, Xander would have to work a lot to make quite a bit of money. The only problem is that if he wants to make a lot of money, he will be home like never. He told me that basically he would only see me once for the rest of March. So I had another freak out moment for this next huge change in my life. So, after a lot of crying and talking, we came to an agreement. Xander did some research and figured out how to stay home every night this next week but still work 5 days. I told him I could live with this. Ease me into it. Don’t just all of a sudden leave me for a month…again (and expect me to not become a wreck!)

Now, I feel a little guilty about this, because I know that there are a ton of wives out there who have to deal with this as well. Army wives, athlete’s wives…etc. They might not even see them for a year! I cannot even begin to fathom how they can do this. If I am honest with myself when looking at my reaction to change, I see that the reason I have a hard time with this is because of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of losing control, fear of isolation. My fear is basically telling God that I don’t trust Him. He doesn’t know what He is doing. God, just let me handle this because I know what’s best. You just sit back and relax. I got this. Really Natalie??

I think change can be a very good thing. If you aren’t growing as a person on a daily basis, you’re just stagnant. Just there. How can God work through you if you aren’t willing to change or be open to the changes that come to your life? I’ve been reflecting on all this and have come to a conclusion. My infatuation with routine and familiarity needs to stop. Is God calling Alexander to a life where he can be a witness and light to others while flying? I don’t know, maybe. If so, I don’t want to be that nagging wife who hinders him from doing what he needs to do. But I do know that for me, I need to let go. Life is scary. Yes. But in order for there to be growth, there has to be change. It’s a struggle, but it needs to be done and I need to be open to it. Like Pastor Dave Rolph says, whenever you go through a hard time in your life, ask God, “what do you want me to learn through this?” Learn something every moment in life.

If you have read this far to the very end, I salute you.

The Fairy Tale Version of How I Met Xander

cropped-medieval_romance_pic.jpgThis fairy tale story was written by me when I was bored and trying to get Xander’s attention in Facebook chat. You can actually see him trying to tell me to stop telling the story (good thing I didn’t cause a masterpiece was born!). So forgive the informal writing, but it is shown pretty much exactly the way I wrote it in 2009 on chat. This will probably be the fairy tale I tell my kids ( I refuse to tell them we simply met in college–boring!!)


I think I should tell myself a story

once upon a time




there was a beautiful princess

and her name was Natalina

now Natalina was the fairest maiden of them all

but she was under an evil spell

her mother was holding her captive

no one could have her

and so Natalina too thought that she was doomed to live in the dungeons of her mothers heart forever


one day

there was one man

who decided to fight

he knew it would be difficult

everyone told him to let it go

there were other maidens he could have

but he said no

he had to have Natalina

so he left his castle in the snowy mountains of Switzerland

to pursue this maiden

and so he raced through jungles

battled with lions

and a monkey

and finally got to the place he needed to be

the place of no return

no one dared to venture this fiery and evil dwelling place
many had died in their pursuits

and so the prince…Gerard Butler

decided to take out his sword…

ah hah! YOUR NOT paying attention!


the real prince was devastingly handsome

he had a fierce look about him

He had scruffy features

great eyebrows

and deep green eyes

His arms were beautifully sculpted

his chest broad

and legs like iron

every woman wanted him

every woman in the snowy mountains wanted him, for he showed great skill in the snow

But alas

he had his heart set on the princess whom he had heard so much about

all he had heard was that she was exotic looking, and this frightened off many men

but not this one

he was tired of all the golden haired lasses

he wanted someone who would take his breath away

and so with this in mind

he trespassed through the fiery pits of Victorialand

he heard a noise

he looked around him

and saw nothing

he kept walking until he heard it again

all of a sudden, the fires of the volcanoes turned off

it was pitch black

“Who turned the fire off?” His unbelievably deep voice asked

“No need for the light be on. Like I said, I have no income!” a voice shouted out

it was a woman’s voice

“Who are you?” He asked

“It is I, Victorias sister. They call me Dollyia”

“Well Dollyia, how can I make it so I can see to get to my beloved who is waiting to be rescued?”


she answered

“I shall tell you, if you answer correctly this one question”

“Agreed”, he said

“Do you agree with the policies of our current king, Rackobam?”

“That is an assured no.” He stated

“You may pass, but turn off the fire on your way out!!”

“Alright ma’m” (she is crazy! he thinks to himself)

And so the fire turns back on

he jumps over the lava

with one giant leap

(he is genetically enhanced)

and so

on he trails

until he comes to the castle

He decides to ring the bell

The door opens after 5 minutes


but no one is there

A woman appears

“Hark!” he says

“Who goes there?” A beautiful voice asked.

She is standing in the shadows, a veil over her head

“Are you the one they call Natalina?”


“Answer me princess! I am here to rescue you!”

She slowly turns around, and unveils her face.

“Who are you?” Her gentle voice asks

“I am Alexander the great. Are you Natalina?”

“I am not. I am called Cheskalina.”

“Cheskalina, what an unusual name!” He remarks

“Tis.” She replies

“Your beauty surpasses most in this land.” He said

“I am aware.” She said. “No one comes though. It is too much work to get to Victorialand. I fear I am not worth it.”

“Never think that, fair maiden! One will come! For you are definitely worth it! Not only for your beauty but for the kindess and peaceful spirit I see in you.”

“I thank you fine gentleman. You seek Natalina, my sister?”

He nodded. “I do, my heart will be complete once I am with her.”

“Ay.” She said

“How can I get to her?

“You can find her sleeping. I am out doing errands while she sleeps. This is common for most days. Her room is past my mothers. My mother is in there right now.”

She put her hand on his shoulder

“Good luck, sir. I do hope you can get to her. I see greatness in you.”

“Do not worry, fair maiden. I shall get to her, no problem!”

And so Alexander the Great went down the hall

and knocked on the door.

“Come in.”

A tired voice called out

Suddenly Alexander hesitated

maybe this wasn’t going to be as easy as he thought it would be


“Yes? What do you want? Why are you screaming at me?”

“I’m sorry ma’m this is just how my voice is” He replied.

“Oh”. Was all she said

She was in her closet cleaning

“Who are you?”

“I am called Alexander the Great, and I am here to marry your daughter Natalina.”


She asked.

“Why? My heart longs for her, and only her and I will cherish her until the moment I die.”

“Hmmm. How do I know you’re a good guy?”

“You will have to trust me ma’am. I was raised in a great home and I am a man of many useful talents.”

“I see,” She said looking him up and down

“You’re not what I had pictured for my daughter, young man.”

It felt like a knife had went through his heart

“But if you will treat her well, then you can ask her yourself, if she’ll have you. Her door is over there.”

She pointed to a door that was down another hallway

“Thank you ma’am.”

He approached the door and stopped, trying to think if he really knew what he was getting into.

With a deep breath, he opened the door, and found stairs that led to a dark tunnel

He fumbled through cobwebs as he walked down the stairs

Till finally he saw lights through the hall way.

he walked in to the room and held his breath

There she was, standing in the sunlight, more beautiful then he could ever imagine. She looked just like the woman of his dreams. Long flowing black hair and piercing green eyes under luscious long lashes

She was in a word…stunning to him

He was speechless


He asked

She looked at him strangely.

“Who are you?” She asked

“It is I. The man who has come to rescue you from this evil place.”

“Rescue? Who needs rescuing? Not I!”She said, arms folded firmly together

“But…” He looked around “You are Natalina right, fairest maiden of them all, lives in the dungeon of Victorialand?”

“Yes, yes and yes,” she said. “But I do not to be rescued. You see this window here?” She showed him the window

“There are no locks sir. I can leave whenever I want. My mother cannot hold me down. I have no chains”

“Why won’t you let me take you out of here?” He asked

“I have to say, I am impressed that you have made it here, it’s been so long since a man has tried. I am flattered good sir, that you have heard about my beauty and wished to see it for yourself. Well, you have seen it, and now you know that I do not need to be rescued. What do you wish to do now?”

She asked

“I have a snowy castle, I can teach all sorts of pleasurable activities on the snow.” He said

“I do not know the snow. ” She replied.

“What do you know?” He asked “What do you like?”

And so they spent the next 4 hours talking about their lives, her likes and dislikes and his likes and dislikes.

She finally stood up

“Because sir, you have cared to pursue my heart, I shall leave with you at once.”

His heart leaped. “I have loved our conversation, and am further convinced of our destiny to be together,” he said.

“I feel now as if you love me for more than my beauty.” She said

“I do. I love your laugh, your smile, your sarcasm, your humor, everything about you! And I do not think that I can live without you for another moment!”

“What is today?” She asked

“I believe today is the 6th day of February.”

“What a wonderful day! We shall be married at once!” She exclaimed

And so they went upstairs and told her mother who cried and held on tight

but finally let go

“I love you mother, and always will!” Natalina said as she left, hand in hand with Alexander the Great

They both hugged her sister and they were off

They lunged through the fiery pits and waved to Dollyia who was scrubbing a burn stain on the ground

And so they both rode on his strong stallion until they hit the snow

and then they both jumped on a long board that slid them through the snow

They stopped and did a backside 360 then kept going down the hill until they went to his castle

and on that day they were married

and lived happily ever after

the end!!!neuschwanstein-castle-lancastria-004

Marriage is like Supreme Scream…

I have been married for almost two years. Now I’m not going to be all like, “Hey, I have been married a WHOLE TWO years, I know everything there is to know about married life, men, relationships blah blah blah. But hear me out. This is a pretty good analogy (at least for me). I was thinking about this on my way to work one morning. Picture it.

You are at the theme park with your boy or girl, walking around, dating, having the time of your life. You’re holding hands, kissing, playing arcade games, cuddling on the log ride, whatever. All of a sudden, he pops the question and you say “yes, yes a million times yes!”(or not, if you aren’t cheesy). Since you are now engaged it’s time to go on Supreme Scream, the scariest ride of them all. In the theme park. In the world. You both have butterflies, but try to will them away as you both sit down and pull the bar over you. The ride slowly starts going up, you look at each other, wink, and take a deep breath.

supremescream1As you start escalating higher and higher, you begin to see the whole world out there. Wow, look at all those cities…. look at all those people! Am I really meant to be with this one person? Is he/she the one? What if my “real” wife or husband is out there, waiting for me to find them? My God, we are getting high. Holy Shit, what the HELL were we thinking?! Your hands let go of each other, and you both hold on tight to the handles for dear life. You look at one other, trying to smile but really both thinking ‘seriously how did I let myself get into this, this is the worst mistake of my life!’ Finally, you are at the very top. It’s beautiful, serene. You are on top of the world. You both say your vows, still having butterflies in your stomachs, but knowing that something exhilarating is about to happen. The vows are done. You are now, literally, taking the plunge. Your 5 seconds of wedding bliss is now over, and now you are falling, falling, falling, demon butterflies are screaming inside you asking you why you were stupid enough to allow this to happen. As you are both dropping into the never-ending abyss, you think ‘Really, so this is what marriage is about huh? Falling, feeling sick, and just wanting to be put out of your misery?’

Then comes the part where you finally stop, then go back up for the second round. By this time, you both know what’s coming, so you learn to deal with it. It’s still scary, but not so bad. You actually might even begin smiling because the ride is actually getting fun. The hardest part is over. By the time the third round comes, you are both laughing hysterically, tears of terror and relief streaming down your faces. The ride comes to a halt and both you and your spouse get off, laughing, thinking you were both crazy for embarking on this adventure, but wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

–And that pretty much sums up my first 2 years of marriage. Anyone else have (kind of ) the same experience as I did?

Oh, and Happy Anniversary to my sweet sweet hubby, who had the patience to deal with my scary experience on “Supreme Scream,” and still decided to hold my hand when the ride was over!